Life just taught me, two nights ago, that it’s more unpredictable than I had ever known it was.

For it just showed me how someone over a third of my life my senior could easily sweep me off my feet and charm my entire being and self away. To have your every fiber marveled in such a way that you cannot help yourself but desire to be marveled even more.

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And just like that, I fuck up all the decent shit I have.

Even if it’s something immaterial like human connections.

But hey, who knows. Did I fuck it up? Or was it just poisonous? For some twisted, bizarre reason, I think I prefer thinking I fucked it up. That way I can keep my mental image of that person, and keep my healthy hatred of someone else.

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So this is going to be a thing, eh?

Hope it brings out the competition on Twitch.

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What do you call this feeling?

It’s not jealousy, as jealousy by definition implies desiring what others have to benefit you, at the cost of their happiness for lacking that which you desire.

It isn’t envy either, as envy causes you to desire what others possess, in much the same way as jealousy, but with the added effect of actively seeking to hurt and bring forth suffering, for others have what you do not and dearly wish for.

No, it’s a much simpler yet convoluted feeling. It is the feeling of yearning for that which others have and take for granted, and not just not bear them any ill will over what you lack, but actively encourage them in its pursuit and feel joyful at their happiness in having it.

How exactly do you call such a feeling? I pride myself in my ample and detailed knowledge of the languages I use most commonly, and yet this particular term eludes me… mayhaps the human mind has yet to devise a specific term for it…

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Repair technicians nowadays need a little lesson in not fucking touching what they don’t need to.

Took my laptop to a repair center the other day to have it physically cleaned (dust accumulation made the fan get stuck and the machine was overheating ridiculously easily). Created a new user account with superuser permissions so they could stress test it for the heating issue.

Got it back with fucked up drivers, tampered settings, uninstalled shit, a FUCKING SCREW LOOSE INSIDE, and, admittedly, the heating issue solved.

Question here is, why the fuck do you have to uninstall and screw with my shit to do a physical examination? I even fucking left you a throwaway Steam account with all my games authorized through Family Sharing so you could use any of those to stress the machine! So what the fuck reason do you have to modify my shit?

Sigh. Rant over.

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Hate me all you want. But fuck pregnancies.


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I’m not well.

It says a lot about you when you watch a fictional story of a person institutionalized in a psychiatric hospital, and as the story progresses, see the person act in every single way you do down to a T, and see the other characters remark on how those reasons are the reason the person is institutionalized.





I want to get better. I do. Thing is, the world doesn’t want to break me. I’m already broken.

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Been a while since I last sat down to binge-watch an entire series…

But that’s what I did with the recently released Marvel’s Daredevil on Netflix, and damn the series is good. Nothing of the bullshit from the crappy Ben Affleck film (which should from this point on be considered to never have existed in the first place), and fully connected to the rest of the events in the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Plus Rosario Dawson and Whatshername that plays Karen Page are hot.

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On the subject of the so-called “friendzone”…

Today, via reddit, I stumbled upon a blog post of a young woman I don’t know on the subject of the friendzone, and being placed there.

There’s already too much toxicity on the subject, so I’m not going to specifically comment on anything she said, nor on the comments in the reddit thread. I do however, want to echo (to a certain extent) something I read among the aforementioned reddit comments.

You keep hearing whining and complaints about the supposedly “nice guys” that turn out to be pricks who show their true nature after they get bounced. What happens to those of us who swallow our feelings, who fuck ourselves up inside beneath a fake smile just so we don’t upset you, and digest a burning dagger to the heart with each word of rejection? What happens to those of us who get unfairly labeled as assholes because our hearts can’t take being so near, and yet so inhumanly, unbelievably, unsurmountably far? What happens to us who die a little bit inside when we see you with someone else, and yet are willing to kill our souls just a little bit more every time by befriending them just to help make you happy and see you happy in any way we can?

This is not intended to be a jab at either men or women. I don’t want to instill more venom on an already poisonous subject like this is. I just wanted to point out that for every “nice guy” asshole that takes “revenge” for being friendzoned, there’s nine or ten genuinely nice guys out there suffering each and every second, sacrificing their own well-being and their own peace of heart for that one person they’d rather see happy instead of themselves. Because in most cases, these genuinely nice guys want to be happy with someone, but if that someone’s happiness lies elsewhere, they will sacrifice their own shot at happiness without the slightest hesitation and give it to the one they care about.

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Your home’s a promise long forgotten…

…it is the birthplace of your dreams.

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